


Clueless Bisexuals and Their Blindspots

by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Clueless Bisexuals, F/M, M/M, mild biphobia, no slurs, queer as self-identifier, this is all toni's fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 02:51:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13627044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetfic/pseuds/Perpetual%20Motion
Summary: Running into Sonny, once again, molding himself to a girlfriend's interests, makes Rafael open his big mouth and ask some questions. Turns out he and Sonny are not necessarily the most observant queers in a room.





	Clueless Bisexuals and Their Blindspots

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PhillyStrega](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhillyStrega/gifts).



> This is all toni' fault. Which surprises no one. Thanks to the squad chat for a fantastic conversation about the most boring sort of law.

"What are you up to this weekend?" Olivia asks as she and Rafael finish a quick review of their current cases.

"I'm free Sunday, but tomorrow I'm at a seminar." Rafael pulls a face. "Evolving Trends in State Tax Laws." 

"That sounds like an excellent nap opportunity."

Rafael grins as he holds open his office door for Liv to precede him. "If only I didn't snore."

*

The seminar starts at nine with a get-to-know-you breakfast that Rafael would rather skip, but being seen is part of these things, so he shows up on time in a pair of dark wash jeans and a pale pink shirt, carrying a slim, leather messenger bag rather than his briefcase. 

He eyes the rubbery-looking scrambled eggs on the buffet before choosing a tiny box of cereal, a fruit salad that isn't mostly cantaloupe, a couple slices of bacon, and two pieces of toast. He sits at an empty table and hopes for a half-full room as he pours himself a cup of coffee from the carafe that's waiting. This day will be much easier to get through if he doesn't have to talk to too many people.

"Excuse me? Is anyone sitting here?"

Rafael sighs internally as he looks up at the woman standing behind one of the empty chairs. "No," he says.

"Oh, great!" She turns and waves at someone, then sits down. "I'm Molly Bernard."

"Rafael Barba," Rafael says. He watches her eyes go wide and wonders which press conferences she's seen.

"Oh, no way!" She twists in her seat and cranes her neck. "We were just talking about you!"

Before Rafael can ask who she's with, he spots him. Sonny. He's carrying two trays and winding through the burgeoning crowd. He's in dark wash jeans and a gray henley, and Rafael distinctly remembers the man laughing in derision when Rafael had told him about the seminar earlier in the week. 

Rafael's internal sigh gets louder. Sonny's dating history is as well known in SVU as anyone's. He has no problem having his dates meet him at the station, and he always introduces them. Liv and Rafael have drunkenly gossiped more than once about Sonny's taste. He likes broad-chested men who grin at his jokes, and every single time he dates a woman, he chameleons to match what they're interested in. They have never figured out why, and drunk, armchair psychologist is not a role either of them play well. 

"There you--Oh, Barba!" Sonny says when he walks up. Rafael is impressed but unsurprised that Sonny doesn't even look slightly shaken to see him. He's SVU's best undercover man for a reason. 

"Carisi," Rafael greets. "I thought you weren't making it to this one."

"Molly had an extra pass," Sonny answers smoothly as he sets down Molly's tray. "She surprised me with it last night."

"I know he's still a cop," Molly says to Rafael, "but he's got his education, and he shouldn't stop learning."

"I agree," Rafael says, keeping a straight face because he actually does agree. Molly looks down to scoop up a spoonful of eggs, and Rafael cuts Carisi and quick glance. Carisi looks back with his mouth quirked at one corner, telling Rafael silently that, yes, he does remember dragging Rafael about this seminar. 

"Did you decide on your morning session?" Molly asks Sonny. She pulls her program from her purse and lays it between their plates. "I'm still not sure. They all sound so interesting."

They do not, Rafael thinks. Boring law is never taught by interesting people. That's what makes it boring. And Rafael has heard all three speakers present before. It's two monotoners and a droner. No matter which one Sonny goes to, he's not going to remember a word. 

"You sounded really interested in the middle one on the train," Sonny says. Rafael admires the deflection. 

Molly taps her program. "Yeah. You're right. Do you want to come or hit up a different one?"

"I'll go to a different one. We can compare notes at lunch." 

Molly smiles. "I like that." She turns to Rafael. "What about you?"

"I'll be taking in Coogan's discussion," Rafael answers. "I've heard him speak before, but not about this." Coogan's the droner, making it easier to doze in the back of the room. 

"I'll go with," Sonny says. "That one sounds a little more up my alley."

This time when Rafael gives him a look, Sonny looks briefly rueful. Molly doesn't notice, too busy eating her breakfast and flipping through the rest of the program. Just as she finishes her coffee, she spots someone she knows at another table and excuses herself to say hello. 

"It's a true surprise to see you here," Rafael says, finally letting his sarcasm into his tone.

"Yeah, yeah," Sonny replies. He refills his coffee, then slides over to Molly's vacated chair so he can top off Rafael as well. "She's really into it. I couldn't say no."

"Sure you could."

"Nah," Sonny says.

Rafael shakes his head. "You're ridiculous." 

"Huh?"

Rafael really isn't sure how to explain. To do so would be to admit he's thought about Sonny's dating habits maybe more than is normal for a colleague and almost-friend. "You're wasting your time. I'm only here because I pulled the short straw when the seminar list went up. If you end up in the DA's office, the information here won't be of much use, and considering how boring you said it was, I doubt you'd go into a private practice where you'll use it."

"If it's so useless for DAs, why was it even on the list?" 

Rafael grins at the question. "An excellent follow-up, Counselor," he says. Sonny's cheeks go pink in a blush. Rafael has to bite his tongue not to joke about it. "Because we all need continuing ed on our resumes, and there's enough of us that the options can get thin on the ground. Trust me, you'll end up at a few conventions about small business water rights when prosecuting murders, and it'll be even more boring than this morning session is about to be."

"Maybe it won't be that bad," Sonny says.

"Eternal optimists eventually make the best cynics," Rafael replies. 

*

The morning session is exactly as bad as Rafael had expected. He's halfway to a fugue state when Sonny elbows him lightly and passes over a thermos. Rafael raises his eyebrows and quietly unscrews the top. Sonny shrugs as if to say he carries extra coffee all the time. Rafael takes a careful drink, then passes the thermos back. Sonny takes his own drink, and they split the rest of the thermos as Coogan drones on and on. 

When the morning session ends, Sonny recaps the thermos and puts it back in his bag before standing and stretching. His henley rides up a little, and he reaches down with one hand to pull it down. "I refuse to say you were right about my interest level," Sonny says.

Rafael chuckles. "Sure," he agrees. He stands and stretches as well. "Glad you thought to smuggle in coffee."

"A man cannot survive night school on interest alone," Sonny replies. He slings his bag over his shoulder and hands Rafael his own. "God, I hope I remember enough details about this to say something interesting to Molly."

"She seems nice," Rafael says. "I still don't understand why you think you couldn't have told her you weren't interested in coming. She'd have understood."

"You sound like Rollins," Sonny says, pulling a face. 

"There's a sentence I never want to hear repeated."

Sonny laughs and bumps Rafael's shoulder with his own. "She wouldn't want to hear it, either."

Molly is waiting for them at the entrance of the banquet room. She has the bright eyes and shivery energy of someone who feels excited and powerful about what she's just heard. Rafael wonders what hobbies she has that make her interesting enough to date if this sort of law is what revs up her brain. 

"How was it?" she asks, standing on her toes to kiss Sonny on the cheek. 

"He was kind of boring," Sonny says. "But the information was good."

"For what it was, I have no notes," Rafael says.

Molly cocks her head at Rafael. "You didn't like it?"

He shrugs. "It's not the part of the law that excites me. But it's good information to have."

"Oh, sure!" Molly says. "I get that." 

Rafael tries to meet Sonny's eyes, but Sonny is judiciously avoiding his gaze. It makes Rafael huff a quiet laugh as he follows them into lunch.

It turns out, neither Sonny nor Rafael need to provide any information at lunch. Two of Molly's friends join them, and one of them had been in their room. Rafael and Sonny end up sitting side-by-side so the women can talk amongst themselves. 

"She took my disinterest just fine," Rafael says in an undertone. 

"Why are you stuck on this?" Sonny asks, his tone sharp. "My girlfriend asked me to show up to something, and I said yes. That's being a good boyfriend."

"No, showing up is showing up. This is faking interest."

Sonny sighs quietly, but from deep in his chest. "It makes her happy."

"You're bored to death."

"So? We'll be out of here by four, and there's a whole evening ahead."

"You could have stayed home and not been bored."

Sonny plants his elbow on the table and turns so he's facing Rafael fully. "Okay. What the hell. I know I mocked you for having to be here, but you're riding my dick like it's my birthday."

Rafael stares. "I'm sorry," he says after a moment. "Did you really just say that sentence?"

Sonny doesn't blush or back down. He leans in a bit closer, actually, and Rafael is suddenly very aware of how thin the henley is. "What? Am I supposed to stay polite while you're jabbing at my business? What is your problem with me being here? I passed the bar. I have every right to show up where I want to show up."

Rafael takes a moment to think. He sees Sonny shift his elbow and realizes that Sonny's read him completely wrong. "I don't have a problem with you being here as a lawyer," he says. "I'm not trying to backdoor shame you about not practicing law but still showing up. You've earned your place at this exceedingly boring, waste of a Saturday as much as any of the rest of us who passed the bar."

"Then what's up your ass?" Sonny's looking at him, his eyes sharp and his body coiled and ready to spring. It's a look Rafael has seen on him plenty of times in interrogations.

"You don't force yourself to like things when you're dating men," Rafael says without thinking, and he suddenly understands exactly how fucking effective Sonny's technique is. 

Sonny doesn't answer right away. He shifts back, but he's not giving ground. It's like watching a snake circle a mouse, lazily turning as it prepares to strike so fast and quick, you'll barely see it. "You think about what I'm like to date?" he asks. 

Rafael swallows back an instinctive and hard denial. He meets Sonny's eyes and considers what he actually wants to say. "No, I just wonder--"

"Hey, you two!" Molly interrupts, waving her hands at them. They both turn to look at her. "You look like you're pretty serious, but lunch is going to be over in ten minutes, so we should get going to the next session."

"Barba and I are gonna skip the afternoon," Sonny says. "We got sidetracked on something, and I need to pick his brain."

Molly looks briefly disappointed, then shrugs and grins again. "Okay. If you want. Should we meet up after? Grab a drink?"

"I'm not sure how long this will take," Sonny says as he stands. "Want to text me when you get out, and we'll see where we are?"

"Sure."

Sonny meets her halfway for a quick kiss, then says a quiet goodbye to her two friends as they follow Molly from the room. He turns to look at Rafael, and the easy politeness is gone from his face. "There's a coffee cart outside," he says.

Rafael follows without a word. Sonny orders for them both and gives Rafael a sharp look when he reaches for his wallet. Rafael rolls his eyes but doesn't fight to pay. He takes his coffee and falls into step next to Sonny as they walk down the street. 

"Picking up where we left off," Sonny says half a block later, "you said you don't think about what it's like to date me, but it sure seems like you're paying attention when I do date. And I'm here wondering why it's your business how I date people." 

Rafael considers pointing out that it's Sonny who makes a point to introduce his dates to everyone, but he knows it's the wrong tactic. It's diversionary, for one, and Sonny will hit him hard for it if he tries. "I don't keep a list of your habits," he says. "I've just noticed a couple of trends."

"Which are?"

"If you're dating a woman, you seem to do everything you can to reflect her back to herself in your behavior. If you're dating a man, you seem to keep more of yourself."

Sonny turns them left into a small park and leads them to an empty bench. He sits and waits for Rafael to sit next to him before pulling up one knee and resting his coffee on it. "What's it to you how I show affection?"

"It's confusing," Rafael answers. "Most of the time, you're predictable as a good clock. You're dependable in how you handle things. But you act like dating women is noticeably different from dating men."

"Know a lot about dating men, do you?" Sonny's tone is just short of snide. 

Rafael can't help his laugh. "God, I would hope so. You're not the only queer on staff, you know." He watches as Sonny's face goes from annoyed to shocked. "What?" Sonny just stares at him. "Wait," Rafael says. "You're not going to tell me you thought I was straight."

"You've never said anything otherwise," Sonny says. 

Rafael almost laughs again. It physically hurts to swallow it down, but Sonny looks like he might fall over. "Carisi, you've met several of my male dates in the last few years."

"What."

"Five or six to be precise. The last one was at that bar association dinner a few months back."

Sonny stares up at the sky, obviously trying to place the moment. "Wait," he says slowly. "The guy next to you at the table? Mitchell?"

"Yeah."

Sonny looks back at Rafael, chin out in defiance. "You didn't say he was your date, you asshole. You just introduced him as some guy."

"I had my hand on his back, Carisi."

"I don't have x-ray eyes!" Sonny throws out his arms and coffee sloshes onto his sleeve. He stares at it a moment before taking his coffee in his other hand and shaking the droplets off his arm. "And a hand on the back doesn't mean shit. You put your hand on my back all the--" He stops short, going still, his arm stuck mid-shake. 

"That's not what you think it is," Rafael says quickly. Although he realizes now that actually, yeah, it might be. 

Sonny drops his arm and continues to stare. Rafael fits down the urge to fidget. "Okay, let's both take a second," Sonny says. He takes a deep breath, then takes a drink of coffee. "So, I was supposed to know Mitchell was your date and not just some guy you knew because your hand was on his back, but when you put your hand on my back, it's not supposed to convey the same information."

"Right."

"Except," Sonny says slowly, and Rafael watches as his interrogation posture subtly shifts into place, "you also put your hand on the back of the women I've met who have been your dates. So, either you're lying or you're lying."

"That's quite the assumption," Rafael says. He meets Sonny's gaze, but his knee twitches against his will. It's the one tell he's never quite wiped out because his legs are usually covered by a desk or a table when he's in a hard negotiation. 

"Is it, though?" Sonny asks. He shakes his head and looks at the sky again. "I cannot believe I've spent the last three years crushing on you and never realized."

"Crushing on me?" Rafael asks. "What are you talking about?"

Sonny laughs, loud and surprised. He shakes his head. "Oh, shit, are you serious?"

"No, I was really hoping to be asked an incredibly dumb question." Rafael replies. "So, congratulations on seeing through my ruse."

Sonny turns his head so he's looking at Rafael. "Hey, come on, you're the one who thought I'd pick up your queerness without saying anything."

"Did you miss the part where I introduced you to several dates? And assumed you were observant because you're a detective?"

"Boy, were you wrong." Sonny laughs again. "Holy shit," he mumbles. 

Rafael doesn't know what to say, so he sips his coffee and takes out his phone. 

Rafael: No laughing to my face about this, but have I been flirting with Carisi this whole time?

Liv answers much too quickly for Rafael's liking. She doesn't have to consider the question. This is bad. 

Liv: Yes? I mean, I assumed that's what all those four-glass wine nights deconstructing his relationships were. You've been planning to ask him out, right? I didn't want to push, but I always assumed you'd go for it when you were ready.

Rafael stares at his phone. He shoves it back into his pocket so he doesn't have to look at it and looks out at the little park. Sonny doesn't say anything, just sits quietly and sips his coffee. Rafael taps his fingers on his thigh and takes a deep breath. "You recreate yourself for the women you date, but not the men."

"So you keep mentioning." 

"You don't see it that way." Rafael looks at Sonny. Sonny's watching him, face clear, expression open. "You think you're being a perfect gentleman by learning what the women like and going all in to be part of it. But you don't ever seem to tell them if something isn't a good fit for you. That's not being a gentleman. That's...I'm not sure what it is because your personality is still the same, but you do this."

"Look, I was raised around a lot of women. Three sisters. My ma. Seven aunts. A bunch of cousins. I'm one of the family babies, so I saw a lot of 'em get shamed and embarrassed by boys who thought their interests were dumb or unimportant. I got into more than my share of fights calling bullshit, and that made me more aware of the ways that men are shitty to women in the little ways that can stack up later. I don't want to be that guy."

"But you're going beyond that. You're actively putting yourself into situations that bore you. Like today," Rafael gesture back towards the seminar building. "You told me flat out that you were glad you weren't having to sit through it, and there you are this morning."

Sonny heaves a sigh. "So what? Like I said earlier, it's not like I'm spending all day and night there. I don't mind being bored if it makes the person I'm with happy."

"There are limits, Carisi." 

"Sure. And they're mine to set." 

It's Rafael's turn to sigh. He can feel the conversation slipping away. He decides to change tactics. "I think it's great you learned early that women spend a lot of time having to defend their interests and that you chose to be aware and be better than the people who do that to them. But if you're so intent on being that open to the women you date, why aren't you so open with the men? I've never heard you mention forcing yourself to a seminar or trying something you already know you hate when you're dating a man."

"Men don't get shit for their interests like women do. You know that. It's easier to say no to something that doesn't interest me when I'm dating a guy because I know they've got enough self-confidence to understand it's okay to have different interests."

Rafael lets Sonny's answer settle between them, and he realizes that Sonny hasn't heard himself at all. "So, do you only date women with low self-esteem?"

"What?!" Sonny sits up straight, offense running through every line on his body. "What the hell?!"

Rafael slowly pulls himself up slightly straighter, letting his relaxed movement play against the tension Sonny's giving off. Sonny's not the only one with a few interrogation techniques. "You say the men have enough self-confidence to know it's okay to do things apart. Which implies you think the women you date aren't confident enough to understand that same idea."

"That's not--" Sonny snaps his mouth shut. He stares at Rafael, then looks away, staring across the park. "Fuck." He stares at the ground. 

Rafael watches him process. "Look," he says after a few minutes, when the worst of the confusion and self-recrimination have cleared Sonny's face, "I'm not trying to condemn your actions. I sure as hell wasn't trying to give you an emotional crisis. I just…" He presses his lips together for a moment to think about his wording. "I noticed you do this. I was curious. I'm sorry if I've overstepped."

Sonny rubs the back of his neck and continues to stare at the ground. "I need to think about some things," he says. "This is...what you said about self-esteem, I know it's not true, but there's a part of it that feels true. Like I've been patting myself on the back for doing better when maybe I haven't."

"I don't think that's true," Rafael says. "You're a good person, Carisi. You just try too hard to be good sometimes. You make things harder than they need to be."

"Coming from you, that's almost funny."

Rafael smiles and feels relieved when Carisi sits up and gives him an amused look. "Do as I say, not as I do."

Sonny chuckles. "Accurate," he says. He looks around. "I need some alone time," he says. "I don't want to leave you in a lurch with your day, but--"

"It's okay," Rafael interrupts. "You got me out of the seminar. I can handle it from here."

Sonny looks at him for a long moment. Rafael wonders what he sees. "Okay," Sonny says. "See you Monday, most likely."

"Sure." Rafael waves as Sonny walks off. He pulls out his phone. 

Rafael: Okay, you can laugh in my face, but I pick the wine. 

Liv: No arguments here. 

*

"Hold on," Liv says, as Rafael pours them their first glass, "What do you mean he didn't know you were bi?"

"Exactly what I said." Rafael slides a glass to her and picks up his own. 

"You introduced him to several dates," Liv replies as they walk to the couch. "I was there for three or four of them."

"Yes, you were," Rafael agrees. 

Liv sits and watches Noah run a toy truck back and forth on the carpet. When she looks at Rafael again, her smile is already laughing at him. "So, he's clueless, but you also didn't know he's had a crush on you forever and has been flirting shamelessly for years."

"Please let me have one glass before you never let me hear the end of it," Rafael says. 

"Of course." Liv pats his knee with deepest mockery. "I think it's great you two are clearly made for each other. Two people so clueless--"

"I haven't even had a sip yet, Liv."

"Oops," she mutters into her own glass, and Rafael can't help but laugh. 

*

Rafael sees Sonny on Monday, but it's only to get an update on a case. On Thursday, Sonny comes by and drops off some files. On Friday, they end up alone on the same elevator, and Sonny asks if he wants to get a drink. 

"I've been thinking a lot this week, and since you were the one who jump-started it, I was hoping you'd let me talk through some stuff. I can buy dinner if it sweetens the deal."

"You cover the first round, and we'll take it from there," Rafael says because he's spent the whole week thinking about his now-realized crush on Sonny, and he will not let the man buy him dinner when he's dating someone else. 

"Sounds good," Sonny says. "Text me a place? I'm not picky."

"Sure," Rafael replies. He considers options on his way back to his office and texts Sonny the name and address of a burger and steak place he knows. They agree to meet at seven. 

Rafael gets there first, but he's still taking off his suit jacket when Sonny walks up to the table. He has scratch marks on his cheek. "Please tell me those are from a suspect."

Sonny grins as he takes off his suit jacket, then winces when it pulls at the scratches. "Suspect's girlfriend. She was there when we served the arrest warrant. Acrylic nails are no joke."

Rafael hums in agreement. "I remember few fights from my neighborhood."

"Yeah, my sisters drew blood a few times."

The server comes over, and they each order a beer. Sonny taps his fingers on the table after the man leaves and looks around the restaurant. "Seems like a good place."

"I think you'll like it. They have a chicken sandwich, but to call it an afterthought would be kind."

Sonny fips the menu open. "That's fine. I'm in more of a burger mood anyway."

"Any of them are good."

Sonny nods and reads through the menu. Rafael watches him. Sonny squints a little at the fine print. He runs the side of his index finger up and down the menu's margin. A lock of hair shakes a little bit loose from its position and almost falls into his eyes. 

Liv had harassed him at length during their wine night. Pointing out exactly how many things about Sonny Rafael had always noticed. He couldn't contradict her, and now he watches and takes mental notes with purpose. 

Sonny looks up. His eyes are very blue against the dark wood of the booth around them. "I'm gonna be basic and get a bacon cheeseburger."

Rafael grins. "Did you just use the word 'basic'?"

Sonny groans. "Damnit. Yeah. Rollins got me into reality tv, and I swear they say it on every show."

"Was this another of your attempts to be into someone else's interests?"

Sonny closes his menu and leans back in the booth. He's relaxed, a half-smile settled comfortably on his face. "Funny you should ask."

Before Rafael can point out it's why they're here so, no, it's not exactly _funny_ , the server drops off their beers and takes their food order. Once he's gone again, Sonny takes a long drink of beer and looks up at the ceiling for a moment. Rafael waits him out. 

"I talked to Molly this week about what you said. She told me she knew I was trying too hard and tried to drop hints, but I didn't seem to pick them up." Sonny looks at Rafael and shakes his head. "I thought maybe it was a fluke, so I called a couple of my exes I'm still good with--"

"Of course you have those," Rafael interjects. 

Sonny grins, then winces again. He presses his beer bottle to the marks on his cheek. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm a nice guy. I get it. Anyway, I called them, and they said the same. They knew I was trying too hard, and they tried to ease me off, and I didn't pick up on it." 

"You're a detective, you say?"

"Cram it."

Rafael smiles and takes a sip of his beer. "So, turns out you have a blindspot. That's not so bad. You can work on it."

Sonny looks at the ceiling again. "Yeah, I could. But…" He looks down at the table, then finally meets Rafael's eyes again. "Some of the hints weren't small. And everyone I talked to said the reason they weren't more direct was because they were worried they'd hurt my feelings."

Rafael bites back an immediate retort about Sonny's puppy eyes. "It's interesting," he says slowly. "You were trying to show you weren't like some men by being more open to what they were interested in, and they were trying to show they knew it by considering you might be too sensitive to talk directly about your behavior."

Sonny screws up his face. "Is that what happened?"

"Maybe. I honestly don't know. But my other guess trails off into gendered responses to criticism, and how women are socially trained to be indirect so they aren't called names or worse, so…" 

"We're lawyers, not psychologists," Sonny says. "We should stay in our lane."

"Agreed," Rafael replies and holds up his beer bottle. Sonny taps his own against it. "So, now that you've talked to Molly, is she prepared to call your bullshit directly?"

Sonny sighs and slumps. "She dumped me."

"We need more beer," Rafael says. 

Sonny waves a hand. "Nah. It's not bad. I mean, it's a bummer because I do like her, but we'd only been seeing each other a couple of months, and I don't blame her not wanting to be the one to help me figure out where the line is when showing a woman I'm interested in stuff even if it's not something I personally want to do. That's a lot to ask." Sonny stares past Rafael, looking contemplative. "Honestly, this is all I've really been thinking about all week, and I sort of realized I'm not even sure I want to _date_ women anymore."

"That seems extreme." Rafael taps a fingertip on the table to get Sonny to look at him. "You're allowed to have shortcomings."

"I know that."

"Are you sure?"

Sonny scowls. "Look, Barba, I know what I'm like. Maybe I miss things now and then, but if you want a list of my flaws, I can easily provide one."

Rafael shakes his head. "I'm sure you can, and it'll probably be annotated and notarized, but that's not my point. I'm saying that you can realize you need to work on something and still be with a person. That's what relationships are, at their core."

"I'm saying that looking back, I'm not sure I ever really dated a woman with any goal except to be nice to them," Sonny replies. "Not on purpose, but honestly, when I put my relationships with women next to my relationships with men, there's a big difference in how long they last and how it feels afterwards."

"Like what?" Rafael challenges. "You don't go to confession as much after dating a woman because God likes that better?"

"Don't be an asshole," Sonny replies. "It's got nothing to do with religion."

"You sure about that? Sounds like you were trying to be the good Catholic and find a nice woman while still being attracted to men."

Sonny glares, and Rafael meets it with his chin raised. He's not trying to make things awkward, but he can't help but bite down a little. Sonny's got all the signs of self-flagellation ready to go, and Rafael can do without that, thank you. 

"If you'd let me finish my thought, maybe you would actually get what I'm getting at," Sonny says finally. 

Rafael forces his shoulders to relax and leans back into the booth. "Okay," he says. "Thrill me."

Sonny rolls his eyes but settles in to talk, propping his forearms on the table and meeting Rafael's gaze squarely. "My sexuality is pretty uncomplicated. I want to have sex with women, and I want to have sex with men. I'm open romantically to either."

"Yes, thank you, I also have a certificate in Bisexual 101."

Sonny sighs but doesn't break eye contact. "My point is that for the most part, any thoughts about my sexuality have been pretty top-level. I've never really stopped to look at why or how I date people. So, that's a lot of what I did this week. I've been thinking about the reasons behind things and talking to people who are open to talking to me, and it's led me to think that while I _do_ enjoy women, and I'm not going to turn down a fling if it happens, I don't know that I've actually dated a woman specifically to _date_ her."

"You've been hoping to steal her credit cards?"

Sonny ducks his head to hide a laugh, then meets Rafael's eyes again. "No. Look, I talked to Rollins about it, and after she stopped laughing at me about how the entire conversation came about--"

"She has also met several of my male dates."

"Yeah. Thanks. Shut up. Anyway, she asked me what parts of my relationship with her had I been faking to make her feel better, and I couldn't come up with any."

"The reality tv binges come to mind."

"When I say she got me into it, I mean it. It's terrible and addicting, but the thing is, I've always told her when it's terrible, and it doesn't bother her. We can shittalk each other and know we don't mean anything by it. I've never stopped to worry I wasn't showing enough interest or that she'd get the wrong idea if I wasn't into something."

"Friend versus girlfriend," Rafael says. 

"I think so, yeah. At some point, I put a second set of standards on myself when it came to dating women, and it turned into a whole...thing."

"Eloquent. Have you thought about being a lawyer?"

Sonny lets Rafael see him laugh this time. "You know, you giving me shit for this when I was obviously trying not to embarrass myself in front of you with my crush is pretty hilarious."

"We're not here to talk about me," Rafael replies, putting some faux-tension in his tone. "We are here to talk about you."

"Yeah, but that's…" Sonny ducks his head again and scratches at his neck. That lock of hair that tried to escape earlier makes another attempt. "But I'm having all these thoughts and stuff because you made a really good point, so I've been kind of thinking about you this week, too."

"If you're swearing off women on my behalf, please don't."

"Don't flatter yourself," Sonny says drily. "That's not what I'm saying at all." He takes a pull from his beer and makes a face. "Maybe we do need more beer."

Rafael gestures down the floor. "Well, I think that's our food, so your timing's good."

The server drops off their food, takes their requests for another beer each, and brings the beers over quickly. 

Sonny stares at his burger for a moment. Rafael can tell he's debating eating or keeping the conversation going. 

"If we're going to talk about me," Rafael says. "I'll need at least a half-full stomach."

Sonny cuts him a quick, grateful look, and they dig in. They don't even attempt small talk while they eat, and they're both closer to three-quarters done than halfway when Sonny wipes his mouth and leans back, clearly finished.

Rafael cuts off one of the last few bites of his steak. "Continue, if you want. I'm better now."

Sonny pushes his plate to one side and taps his fingers on the table for a moment. "I don't wanna stop dating women until I'm sure I've unlearned this thing I've been doing. It's more that, while I'm into women, I'm not sure I've ever dated one in any way that couldn't be described as a 'good Catholic boy.'"

"Who likes dick," Rafael can't help but add.

Sonny points at him. "You're joking, but that's kind of my point. I wine and dine. I charm. I listen when they talk. It's...nice. And sometimes the sex is good, but…" He props his chin in one hand and looks at Barba. "It's sort of the great bi paradox. If I'm dating a woman. I'm straight. If I'm dating a man. I'm gay. No one believes you if you say you're bi."

Rafael nods. "I've been there plenty."

"Well, yeah, who hasn't. But, like, my family accepted I was bi, but there was a feeling of…" Sonny waves his free hand. "I dunno. Like, I had to alternate or something. I had to make sure they saw me date men and women to _prove_ to them I wasn't confused. So, that's what I did. And I don't regret any of my relationships, but thinking over them this last week, a lot of the one's with women have been sort of hopeless from the start."

Rafael doesn't try to hide his interest. "How so?" 

"They've always just broken up with someone or are looking for more than I wanna give or I know early on we're not gonna work because they're that sort of asshole atheist that thinks having faith means you're an idiot. Or my job is too much for them, or their job is too much for me. Or they're out of my league--"

"You have a law degree that you obtained while working full-time as a sex crimes detective. Anyone you think is out of your league is you kidding yourself, and anyone who says they are is an idiot."

Sonny stares at Rafael for a moment before breaking into a shy smile. "Thanks."

"There's humility and there's undermining yourself."

"Yeah, yeah. I get it." Sonny's smile doesn't waver. "Anyway," he says, and his face gets serious again, "the point is, when I date men, there's usually less stuff going on. Like, I meet them somehow, and we have a good laugh, and we see each other until we don't. I'm not saying it's not as emotional or anything, just that I don't seem to gravitate towards men who need...fixed? I guess? That's not the right word."

"When your family talks about your future, what's it sound like?" Rafael asks, feeling the beginning of a thread. "Our boy Sonny, he's gonna settle down and have ten kids, and he and his spouse will be over for Sunday dinner. Or, is it always a wife?" Rafael watches the light in Sonny's eyes go sharp. He wishes, for the nth time, that Sonny would move over to the DA's office and put that mind to work for them. 

"Mom and Dad are pretty good about saying 'spouse.' My sisters, it's kind of a crapshoot, but it's not malicious, just forgetful. The rest of the family…" Sonny shakes his head and looks down at his suit jacket. His rosary is rolled up neatly in the inside breast pocket, Rafael knows. He's seen him pull it out before. 

"Liberal Catholics can still be classic Catholic," Rafael offers. "Those ten kids come from a wife, not adoption."

Sonny nods. He gives Rafael a rueful look. "Yeah. That. And I think there's part of me that really internalized that. I kept dating women so I could keep mentioning women, keep sort of reminding my family I could still be the good Catholic boy." 

"You still could be. You're not saying you're not attracted to women."

"Yeah, but…" Sonny's gaze changes from frank honesty to something a little nervous and shy. He licks his lips and glances away from Rafael. 

Rafael thinks about Sonny's crush. His _three-year_ crush. The one he talked about with delight and no shame. Under the table, Rafael's knee twitches. "A clarifying question," he says, feeling jittery out of nowhere.

"Sure," Sonny replies. He looks at Rafael again. "I appreciate all this, by the way," he says. "That you'll talk to me about this."

"Someone has to save you from yourself," Rafael replies without thinking. The jitters get worse when Sonny chuckles and leans in a little. "Why is it so important to stop dating women completely? Taking a break I can understand, but to call it off as an option seems extreme."

Sonny's eyes go shy again. "Um. Yeah. That was sort of what I was getting to. The thing is, I don't casual date, you know? Not in the sense of seeing multiple people at a time. It's partly that I just prefer it that way but also, I mean, you know the hours on the job."

"I do." 

Sonny nods. "Exactly. I don't want to spend what time I have having to second-guess if I'm hitting on a bad habit I haven't broken, and…" Sonny ducks his head, but only a couple of inches. He still meets Rafael's eyes, but he's definitely having to work at it. "Finding out you're bi, I was kind of hoping--"

"Yes," Rafael says before Sonny can finish. "As long as the rest of the sentence was you asking me out."

Sonny stares, then bursts out laughing. "Wow," he wheezes. "That was...that was almost inelegant."

"It was completely inelegant," Rafael replies, letting his smile take over his face. He shakes his head at himself and doesn't break eye contact with Sonny. "You're not the only one who spent the week thinking."

Sonny's face goes soft. "Oh. Well. That's nice." He looks down at his plate, then back at Rafael. "You do get that when I say I want to date you, I want to date you _seriously_? I just want to be clear on that."

"The three-year crush tipped me off," Rafael says. 

Sonny laughs again and stands up. He takes the step to Rafael's side of the booth and crowds him as he slides in next to him. "Yeah, that wasn't my coolest confession."

"Well, it was better than hearing you didn't realize I had introduced you to several dates."

"Yeah, yeah. Says the guy who didn't know I was flirting for three years."

"Well, I'm not so great at hints, either."

Sonny leans in, pauses until Rafael nods, then kisses him softly. It's quick and sweet. "Good thing we're both direct."

"I really don't soften up just because things get romantic," Rafael says.

"Why would you?" Sonny says like it's the easiest thing in the world. "And, I mean, knowing that I was with people who were trying to save my ego when directness would have made them feel better, that kind of stung."

"You can feel bad for yourself, you know," Rafael says. 

Sonny shrugs. His shoulder bumps Rafael's. Rafael's jitters shoot up, then mellow almost instantly. "I know, and I do, but for my own behavior. I worry that I really hurt someone."

Rafael doesn't say it's impossible, even though he's fairly certain it is. He knows exactly what good intentions can feel like in retrospect, and he won't pretend like it's not probable at least one of Sonny's exes is unhappy with their time together. "Maybe," he says after a moment, wanting to give him something. "But you can't dwell on it. If someone gets ahold of you and tells you that you were a jackass, you can apologize. Carrying the guilt around won't do anything for you."

"Lapsed Catholic," Sonny mutters.

Rafael laughs and reaches for one of Sonny's hands. He leans in and waits for Sonny to meet him halfway for a kiss. "I want to be clear about one thing," he says when they pull apart. "This is _not_ our first date."

Sonny grins and shakes his head. "Come on. It's great. You helped me through a sexuality crisis--"

"Oh, god, stop talking."

"--and it changed my life forever."

"I'm leaving you. We haven't even been on our first date, and I'm leaving you."

"Well, it was a good try," Sonny replies. 

Rafael can't keep a straight face. He laughs and leans against Sonny and feels a soft kiss to his shoulder. 

"Tomorrow night. I pick the place. I'll pick you up, even," Sonny says. 

"I accept," Rafael replies. "Eight?"

"Eight works for me."

*

Liv doesn't try to hide the shit-eating nature of her grin when Sonny and Rafael tell her they're together a few weeks later. "Good for both of you," she says. "What elaborate ruse did you have to put together for him to get it?" Liv asks Sonny. 

"Oh, you know, minor crisis about my personal values and sexuality based on some bullshit gender constructs I created twenty years ago in answer to the ways women are devalued in society."

Rafael groans and drops his head to his chest. 

"Oh, that old story," Liv says. "How obvious."

"We're leaving," Rafael says, grabbing Sonny by the wrist, "and you can shred those disclosure forms."

"I doubt it," Liv calls after them. 

"I had to," Sonny says when they pause at his desk so he can grab his jacket. It's the end of the week. They're headed to Sonny's for dinner, then out to the Carisi house the next day for a day-long barbecue and Rafael's first introduction to the family as Sonny's boyfriend. "I sure as shit can't say it tomorrow."

Rafael rolls his eyes. "Their loss," he says. "They could learn a lot."

Sonny chuckles and steps closer as he pulls on his jacket. They're not touching, not quite, but the promise of it is there. "Sounds like something you'd enjoy doing. Don't let me stop you."

Rafael shifts so Sonny can step next to him. He places a hand lightly on Sonny's back as they walk to the elevator. "We'll play it by ear," he offers. "We'll figure it out."

**Author's Note:**

> Self-betaed, lemme know if I missed a word.


End file.
